Monday, March 30, 2009

Other People's Potty

In the Middle of the Day the Drains Stopped Draining we had a Hijink Within a Hijink. It was gross. You've been warned.

Are you sure you can handle this? There is also a lot of swearing.


Jason had gone into Lowe's to buy a larger drain snake and I was waiting in the car with the children, feeding them fast food. Charlie suddenly pipes up that he needs to potty and Augs promptly replies he is not done eating yet. Stupid, stupid, stupid me. I put Charlie off for less than 4 minutes, but it was too long. The bathroom was at the back of Lowes (behind plumbing!). Naturally, Charlie refused to go into the ladies' with me. I sent both boys into the men's and lurked outside. After a few minutes, Augs came out.

"Where's Charlie?"

"He's not done yet."

"Well, you need to wait in there with him."

"Mom, Charlie has a little mess."

O RLY? "Is anyone in the men's room besides Charlie?"

"Well. . .no."

So I go in, and what do I see? Under the edge of the stall I see two Thomas the Tank Engine shoes, a pair of jeans, underpants (Spiderman), red jacket, and a teeny disgusting heiny. I also saw that he was standing in poo. It didn't seem that bad. But that was only because I couldn't see the other side of the toilet, or the toilet itself. I'm not going to lie, I gagged a little. I handed Augs my cell phone and said "Push 2, then push SEND. When your dad answers, tell him to come back here and that it is an emergency."

In walks a Lowe's Employee "Ma'am? You can't be in here, ma'am." For the love of Pete. I asked for paper towels and the goofball brought me the giant roll that goes in the dispenser. Ugh. OMG, so awful. How does a 30 lb kid make 10 lbs of poop? Poor dude hadn't quite made it onto the toilet and he'd gotten the seat, the side of the toilet, the floor, himself. Then he'd walked in something that I can only assume fell off his behind. I picked up what I could and had Jason come in and help clean up the floor. Charlie had it down his leg, on his behind, on his hands, on his feet, gotten it on his jeans, his jacket and his socks. His underpants were mystifyingly clean. I cleaned him up by standing him in the sink. I put his clothes in a bag, zipped my sweater on him (MOM! DIS IS A GIRL SWEATER! I AM A BOY!)

So then we start for home, to use the drain snake and I remark "Well, at least this happened here, where there is running water!" I am such a glass half full girl.

My husband, my partner for life, the father of my children says "At least it wasn't the women's room. That would be way grosser."

"What the fuck are you talking about?"

"Well, there's bloody tampons and stuff in the women's room."

"Not laying around on the floor! In trash cans! Jesus! Are you saying menstrual blood is grosser than poop?"

"Yes! It's got diseases!"

"Are you kidding me?! Everyone has a load of bacteria in their colon! Poop has e coli! Menstrual blood only has diseases if a woman has an STD. Poop is always gross."

"Well, there are a lot of slutty women out there."

"Dude! Menstrual blood comes from the uterus. Where babies grow. YOU CAN'T GROW A BABY IN POOP!"

"Wow.. . . .. K. O. You win. There is no response to 'You can't grow a baby in poop."


And then the drain snake we had bought that night didn't even work.

1 comment:

  1. I'd rather fuck a menstruating woman than a shitting woman.