Saturday, March 7, 2009

Book 8: Would you like some blood with that whine?

In which I read Twilight and am annoyed.

So I gave in and read all of That Book. Give me a break, I have been sick and I wanted to take a really long bath. I have yet to figure a good way to knit in the bathroom.

I have long suspected that this Twilight thing is just what people were reading now that there are no new Harry Potters coming along. That is way, way too generous a statement. Harry Potter is far less of a whiner than Isabella Swan. (Except for maybe in Order of the Phoenix and during all the stupid camping in the last book.)

Isabella Swan is a Big Whiner. Here we have a girl who goes to live in a small town where she has practically no parental supervision, a truck of her own, and (and!) gets to go to school with boys. These, by the way, are all privileges which, at the age of 17, in order to obtain them, I would have eaten my Grandmother. And I was very fond of my Grandmother. Isabella Swan's big complaint is that too many ordinary boys like her and the weather is too gray and wet. So she decides, as many teenagers do, to liven things up with a wildly inappropriate, slightly life-threatening relationship.

If Edward Cullen had converted at the age of 30 instead of 17, this would be one creepy-ass book, right? However, what people are glossing over is that a guy who is 106 years old is not appropriate for a 17 yr old girl just because he's rilly, rilly hawt. He is older than my grandfather would be if he were still alive. He is older than Martin Landau (fantastic actor, first one that came to mind, no offense, blah blah y blah). Old enough, in fact, to be Martin's father. Now. Picture Martin Landau necking with Miranda Cosgrove (of iCarly, a favorite of my sons).

Pretty Effing Inappropriate. And Creepy! Even if it weren't for the whole supernatural good looks and ability to stun people and all, this dude would still have about 87 years too much experience with getting into girls' pants for a 17 yr old girl to be any sort of equal match for him.

Supposedly, the big attraction here is that Isabella reads a lot of books, smells good, is endearingly clumsy, and prone to saying surprising, inappropriate things. She is also really pale and has long dark hair. Hey! I am just like her, only hot, supernatural old dudes do not want me.

Isabella nags Edwin to turn her. This makes me want to shake her. That's like asking your high school boyfriend to marry you. Only this marriage could last for 400 years.

Here's the final thing: Vampires are not scary. Zombies are scary. Want proof? Ever read a book where someone fucks a zombie? No. That would be disgusting and terrifying. Also brief and fatal. Vampires get mad action. People can't stop having it off with the semi-dead. Ergo: Not. Scary. So Edwin should knock off the constant this-will-end-in-your-tragic-demise schtick.

I am puzzled by my having put the second book on hold at the library. I kind of want to see what happens with the tribal elder who is clearly part werewolf.

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